Alright, you got me. I said my last blog would be THE last blog, but here I am writing another one. Here's a very real and vulnerable writeup on culture shock and my experience during this transition.
I have been back in Canada for just over a month! This transition so far has been pretty strange as I don’t really have anything to relate it to.
There have been a number of challenges in being back from finding a job to continuously processing my time in Nicaragua.
I struggle with pulling out emotions when there is time and space and then hiding them when it seems to be the worst of times. But I think that’s ok, and I’m learning that grief doesn’t follow any set of guidelines.
I ache to tell my story, to share of my beautiful encounters with people and express my heart. So when people ask me about Nicaragua and my experiences I obviously high five them and share my stories... right? Nope. I seem to be at a loss for words, wanting people to just get it but not really knowing what ‘it’ is. I so badly want to use my spotlight to spread light and knowledge but I feel unprepared to even face my responsibilities at home. And I just want someone to say, “I get you Kailey.” I was the ‘black sheep’ for 7 months in Nicaragua and coming back hasn’t changed that.
While I felt very loved and accepted in Nicaragua, I was always the white person in the room, giving me attention that I didn’t always want (or deserve). Latin culture and North American culture are very different, so I was always learning new things and telling my own stories from Canada. Not only am I a Caucasian female, I’m also an 18 year old, which tended to change others' views on me. I got used to responding lightly to shocked responses and wide eyes because of my age ("She's so young, can she handle this?") but it definitely wasn't a confidence builder.
I did not fit in.
I’m back in Canada now, and while I don’t have the physical attention I had before, there is something in my heart that just can’t rest in the same mindset that I once had. I have been blessed with an experience that has given me so much. It’s given me an awareness of immense privilege, a love for Nicaragua and new cultures, stronger relational values and a hunger for justice. So much learnt, so much to learn, and so much to pursue deeply.
But I still don't feel like I fit in.
That being said, I know that there are much more people who have had experiences like this and who carry this awareness and values. I know that I’m not alone and still have amazing support here at home. I know that there are so many good people in Nicaragua and in Canada. I know that everyone’s experiences are valid and we all learn different values from them.
And I know it’s okay to not fit in.
(Does anybody feel like they fit in?)
I find peace here too, knowing that this is also God’s plan. I am enjoying being with my family and preparing for my future!
It is such a strange time to be alive, but I’m grateful for each coming day.
In the meantime, here's a happy picture of me holding my siblings' cat.
A chilly picnic day in the woods with my family (from left to right: Clara Flores, me, Elma Schroeder; my mom).